Funny Stuff

January 19th...the Day before Innauguration

2008-12-09T15:52:00.001-08:00

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Juiced!

2008-12-09T15:31:00.000-08:00

I don't know. I think that if I beat the rap in a double murder trial and knew that most of the free world thought I was guilty, I'd have left the country and stayed out of trouble. But that's just me. Apparently that's not how everyone sees it.

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Beware the legend of Old Lizard Face

2008-12-09T15:28:00.000-08:00

Click to enlarge (if you can stand the sight of it)

Fat Pastors always make me laugh

2008-12-09T15:22:00.000-08:00

I don't actually mind Rick Warren as Pastors go. That said, he is a leader in a religion that condemns homosexuality while simultaneously ignoring the verses about gluttony and sloth while their leaders sit on their fat asses stuffing their pie holes with crab cakes. Rick...This isn't really about you man... but you get to be the standard bearer... so bear it my huge friend.

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Bail THIS out!

2008-12-09T15:18:00.000-08:00

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Perks of Being First Lady!

2008-12-01T22:50:00.001-08:00

Pucker Up!

2008-11-16T21:10:00.001-08:00

What if everyone on earth simultaneously and retroactively began to do those things that I once demanded of them? I’m assuming that in many cases, hell’s population would grow, and the line up of people waiting to kiss my ass would be exceedingly inconvenient for the poor souls given to that fate. Maybe I should start being nice to people? Nah... What would be the point? It’s not like anyone is ever going to retroactively start doing what I asked.

What Great Men Think

2008-11-06T15:40:00.000-08:00

A picture is worth a thousand words

Qualified to have been V.P.

2008-11-06T09:28:00.000-08:00

Bye Sarah!

HAHAHAHA!

2008-10-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

HA. This is funny

This is funnier

This is funniest.

and This is just plain scary!

Barack and John...Stand up at Its Most Absurd!

2008-10-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

These videos speak for themselves. They are as funny as the video of George Bush Satirically looking for WMDs...but as I had nowhere else to put them, I put them here. Take a look:

First, the Senator from Illinois

and now, the presumed loser of the 2008 Presidential Election

and for a bonus... The current Moron in Chief. Someone call Crawford. Tell them we are sending them back their idiot!

Charlize Theron threatened with removal from the Screen Actor’s Guild

2008-10-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

“We take lying on applications very seriously,” said SAG President Alan Rosenburg. “While Ms. Theron didn’t technically lie on her initial application, her circumstances have changed and she owed it to the Screen Actor’s guild to update her resume.” Mr Rosenburg’s comments came after a wave of criticism by other actors jealous of Ms. Theron who has convincingly taken on roles typically reserved for white women. "It screws up our numbers" complained Rosenburg.

When Ms. Theron joined the Screen Actor’s Guild, she was in fact, a white woman from Benoni South Africa. However, her status changed. In May of 2007 Charlize Theron took the oath of citizenship and became an American citizen. In so doing, critics say Ms. Theron changed her ethnic status and she is now considered to be an African American woman.

“I don’t see what the big deal is?” Ms. Theron told a crowd of supporters at the Apollo club. “After all… as an African American woman, you would think affirmative action would protect me from these sorts of ridiculous criticisms. I made a simple mistake. It’s not like I tried to hide my heritage. Flanked by Steve Martin, who according to one movie was “born a poor black child” and Sir Anthony Hopkins who played a black man on film, as well as half black Robert Duvall, Theron appeared before SAG’s disciplinary committee on Friday to explain her lack of disclosure.

“If you people kick me out I will simply go down the street and join the Film Actor’s Guild (F.A.G)" threatened a brave Theron. "It’s really unpopular to persecute them these days you know.” Charlize Theron is scheduled to appear on the front cover of Ebony Magazine next month, a bold move considering that thousands of black men who once found her attractive now despise the young actress. “Nah… I prefer white women” said Jaamal Robinson, an African American man on the street in Chicago. With fans disappearing the question that remains is simple- Can Charlize Theron maintain her grip on fame, regardless of whether dressing room says F.A.G or S.A.G?

Man Undergoes Long Painful Surgery after Laughing his Ass Off.

2008-09-30T15:11:00.000-07:00

“I don’t know exactly happened” says Doug Fistinnhole of Cleveland Ohio who recently underwent 19 hours of surgery to have his buttocks re-attached. “I was sitting at the keyboard responding to a mildly funny comment made in a chat room. I typed ‘ROFLMAO’, (internet speak for Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off”) Then the next thing I knew, gr8luvergurl26 said ‘no you aren’t. I can see you on webcam’. So, I got down on the floor and rolled back and forth, laughing and that’s when it happened. My ass came right off.”

Doctors have issued a warning to all heavy internet users that this could happen to you. Dr. Assfikser, a hospital spokesman and chief surgeon who helped reattach the man’s buttocks, said, among other things: “a suitable alternative would be to type ‘lol’ (laughing outloud) or if that simply isn’t enough, then possibly, but sparingly use “SFIJSM” (So funny I just shit myself). We’d hate to see any more cases of asses falling off as the result of careless internet use".

When asked if how he is feeling, Mr. Fistinnhole replied, “IDK TRDMF”.

Sarah Palin Unveils Palin/McCain Plan for Cutting the Federal Budget

2008-09-29T08:23:00.001-07:00

Sarah Palin Unveils Palin/McCain Plan for Cutting the Federal Budget

(September, 29 2008) Vice Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin announced the updated McCain Palin plan for cutting the federal budget upon assuming office in January 2009. Among items up for consideration is the sale of Airforce One. “Thanks but no thanks” said Palin. "The new President doesn’t need to waste money on his own plan. At least I don’t think so. Do ya’? After all, it’s not like we want to drag a bunch of media types along with us. Then people might continue to think we want to talk to them…. And let’s face it. Those questions they ask…. They’re hard.” On the auction block as well, Marine One, and the Arctic Wildlife Refuge, and what Palin refers to as "some low grade nukular weapons".

“We need the money to pay for all of the newborn babies John McCain and I are going to make together…when we end the murder of innocent children by their own mothers by putting an end to Roe vs. Wade. We just know that as soon as those would-be killers see those little bundles of joy, that the pride of mothership will sweep over those women, and they will raise those lovely children to live the American dream,” smiled Palin with her typical deer in the headlights grin.

Speaking of mother ship, there is talk that the McCain/Palin ticket is divided over the idea of auctioning that too. While Palin is a supporter of the sale, John McCain has grown fond of the mother ship, and is concerned that auctioning it on E-bay might alert their supporters of its existence. Polls show, however that their supporters are so blind that the likelihood that presence of a mothership will strike them being as odd as the fact that Palin cites neighborhood to Russia as her qualification to handle foreign policy. Palin shrugs off the idea that she might become President in the event of Senator McCain’s demise. “Aw shoot. He’s so healthy…. After the igna… igna… innarguration, Me and Dick Cheney… we’re takin’ John huntin!”

It is unclear whether Congress will approve the planned budget changes, or the sale of longheld assets of the Executive Branch, but Palin after pouring herself another cup of wolf-puppy blood confidently smiled and said “Up there in Alaska we get things done” and with the help of Todd Palin, Alaska’s first dude, I guarantee you these Congress people will do as they are told. If not, heck… We’ll just fire them and sell them on E-bay too.”

Senator Obama Unveils His New Healthcare Package

2008-09-27T00:25:00.000-07:00

Senator Barack Obama, has outlined His updated healthcare plan. At a campaign event in Mississipi Friday, after taking the time to feed the crowd of 5000 supporters with a little boy's lunch of 5 biscuits and two sardines, the Senator took a break from healing the sick to comment on how His new program will work.

"Come to Me, all of you who are weary and heavy laden" began the Senator, "and I will give you rest." Critics of the Senator's plan say that He simply doesn't have time to tend to every sick person in the country personally. Obama staffers on the other hand are confident that the Senator, a long time master of walking while chewing gum, will be able to perform miracles in the healthcare field.

While others wanted to ask the Senator more about His healthcare program, the humble Senator smiled and said, "This isn't about Me. It's about you. It's about all Americans. It's about the little boy who, this very afternoon, gave up his lunch so that everyone else in the crowd could enjoy a weird combination of fish and bread. This is his story, and the story of so many others who give unselfishly to make for a better tomorrow."

The Senator's next stop is Washington D.C. where it is rumored He will have lunch with a tax collector and cast out demons from a group calling themselves "the House of Representatives".

John McCain Survives Close Call While in Washington DC

2008-09-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

“That was close, but hey, I got it done didn’t I?” Republican Presidential hopeful John McCain inquired of snickering reporters today in Washington D.C. Moments earlier, the Senior Senator from Arizona nearly fell when he stumbled on a crack in the sidewalk where he was walking while attempting to chew a piece of his favorite chewing gum.

“You did a very good job dear” chimed in Cindy McCain, 30 years his junior, proud of the Senator’s willingness to brave the attempt. McCain had tried to walk while chewing gum many times in the past, all with less than satisfactory results. Said McCain when applause from supporters died down, “This is a great day for me and for our country. You know, many years ago, in a place far away, I remember dreaming of this day. They beat me. They broke my bones, but they could not kill my spirit. I can’t salute the flag that I serve, but today, I feel like I have finally come home. Americans deserve a President that can walk and chew gum simultaneously, and ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to report I have achieved that goal. Now we are going to fight for you, and you know what? We’re gonna win”!

When asked about the event, Senator Obama replied, "Well uh...while um, while this certainly was a prodigious feat for John McCain, it's just further evidence that John McCain that um....uh.... John McCain just doesn't get it. it's taken him this long to get it. I have been navigating myself while chewing gum for a number of years, and indeed, um, I uh... have been involved with a bilateral commission to educate school children to make the dream of pedestrian chewing gum for all Americans....not just the Washington elite. Clearly this needs to be the goal of all Americans. I'm glad that the Senator from Arizona has finally come aboard, but let's keep in mind who led on this issue first".

While today’s stumble was a close call, it was not technically a fall. The successful walk was a first for the John McCain. Shortly after the speech, the Senator blackened his eye when he walked into a lamp post.